Good Priest, Bad Priest
by tempt-not-the-blade
Summary: Throughout anime, there are all kinds of demons, monsters, and other threats to humanity. In this attempt at a "Buddy Cop" situation, the two most badass anime priests fight to protect mankind from wickedness! M for violence. Lots of major character death to ensue.
1. I am a Zombie Purifier

**AN:** This idea seemed like fun. Purists to any one anime or manga involved are likely to find things skewed, so please understand any skewage was done in order to allow very complex universes to come together. Such things include time line changes and bad attempts at an Irish accent. For now, I've got the pair visiting the universe of Kore wa Zombie Desu Ka?/ Is this a Zombie? I'd like to make chapters for other animes in the future, most likely Rosario + Vampire for sure. As such,

_*Spoilers*_

_ Many main characters from various series are going to die, for the good of the land._

*End Spoilers.

**START**

Kirei Kotomine silently hummed an eerie tune to himself as he stared at a gruesome icon depicting the crucifixion of his lord. Suddenly, the peaceful, albeit creepy, scene was disrupted as the doors were thrown open, releasing natural light into the dismal church.

"Rejoice, Japanese priest, fer it's time to kill heathens!" shouted the tall figure now illuminating the room. He strode boldly into the room, a scrap of paper crinkled in his hand.

"Father Anderson," Kirei complained, "is it always necessary to so dramatically disrupt the peace in a house of the Lord?"

Father Alexander Anderson, the paladin of (one of) the Vatican's special forces, slammed his gloved hand down onto the podium at the heart of the small church. "No time fer tha' now. We've got a job!"

Kotomine silently read the paper that his Irish partner slammed down. "Hm… unexplained, massive damage, altered memories… something definitely out of the ordinary. Very well, let's go."

Upon their arrival at the small city, the two split up to search for clues. This was also partially due to their methods being incompatible at most times, Kirei being a silent killer, trained as both an Exorcist and an Executioner, by the Catholic Church's burial agency. Anderson was much more boisterous in fights, due to his experience, his battle lust, and a lack of needing the element of surprise to cause massive damage to inhuman foes.

They could see a large explosion a ways into the town from their vantage point at the top of a hill. "Looks like ah timed oor arrival jus' righ'!" Anderson said, sprinting in that direction.

Kotomine just sighed at the exuberance of his counterpart, hailing a nearby taxicab. "Take me to a drinking establishment near the center of town," he ordered, sliding into the backseat.

…

Upon his arrival at a downtown bar, Kotomine began to ask about strange goings-on. One of the patrons began telling him about this weird cross-dressing kid from the nearby school who was seen fighting some kind of monster. Kirei headed directly there without another word.

…

Anderson arrived at the site of the explosion, apparently a local high school. A giant squid had evidently attacked the school, and now had a uniformed school girl in one tentacle. Anderson prepared his blessed bayonets and launched one at the tentacle, severing it and cutting the girl loose. However, this also meant she was now rapidly falling from a great height. Luckily, she was saved by a white haired young man wearing a pink, frilly, flowery dress holding a pink chainsaw. "Hey, be more careful so no one gets hurt!" he complained to the spectacle-wearing Irishman.

"Wear men's clothes so no one's eyes ge' hurt!" Anderson retorted, launching several bayonets at the squid. He jumped up over a sweeping arm, then started running up it toward the creature's center. A bayonet in each hand, he made slash wounds all the way up, then stabbed the beast in an eye. He saw the pink-wearing boy jump into the air behind him, so he jumped off the beast to get out of the way.

"Mysteltain… Kick!" the boy yelled, doing a flip in the air. He used the momentum to bring his leg down just before he reached the squid, giving even more power to his swing as he chain sawed the creature in half. He landed on the ground without a word, as cameras were brought out of pockets. The nearby crowd was a wall of flashes, as people took photos of the boy in a dress and the Catholic priest.

"Tha'… was nah' a kick," was all Anderson could say, before shaking his head and walking away from the ridiculous sight. As he walked away, he noticed a young girl with black hair and red eyes staring intently at the behind of the feminine chainsaw boy. "Oho, and wha' have we here?" He swiped his bayonet at the girl, hoping for a quick decapitation. She jumped out of the way at the last second, only receiving a cut on her arm.

Narrowing her eyes, the young girl sized up her opponent, then bolted away. With a grin, Anderson followed shortly behind until they reached a small, wooded area. "What is a catholic priest doing in this town?" she demanded.

"Shu' up and die vampire!" he replied, throwing handfuls of holy bayonets in her direction. She deflected most of them, but cuts started appearing more and more on her. Unable to focus on anything but blocking, she didn't notice the fact that Anderson was approaching more and more until he was right in front of her. She took a step back, only to find herself up against a tree.

As the priest grinned, the light glared off his glasses as he pinned her to the tree with two bayonets. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We are nothing more than dust, and to the dust we shall return," he recited, bringing two more bayonets together in a scissoring motion, decapitating her. "Amen." He then cut her body to pieces, brought them together, and sprinkled holy water on them, before finally burning them to ashes.

…

Kirei arrived at the school moments after Anderson had dashed off into the woods. When he got near the crowd, he asked a student who the cross-dresser was, and she informed him that the boy was Ayumu Aikawa. He silently walked into the school and quickly found the administration room. There was luckily only a secretary working in there at the moment, and he used suggestion to hypnotize her into giving him the file on young Ayumu. He looked through it and found the boy's address and headed back out the door. When he returned outside, the crowd had mostly dispersed. The boy was now apparently naked, though Kirei took note of him for another reason. In the bright sunlight, the boy appeared to be somewhat… shriveled. An eyebrow raised as Kirei thought to himself, "A ghoul? No, he still seems to have control over his mind, so what is he? He definitely seems to be some form of the dead…"

As he was musing, Anderson returned to the school. "Yer too lae', Kirei. The demon is dead, as well a vampire ah foond hidin oot among stu'ents."

"The vampire is dead? Perhaps I was right, he doesn't appear to be a ghoul," Kirei said, gesturing toward the nude boy in the school courtyard. "I'm going to investigate the boy's home. Go find me somewhere to hide bodies if need be."

"Alrigh', alrigh'," Anderson said, chuckling as he walked away.

…

Waiting until the sun fell, Kotomine arrived at the door of a small house and rapped sharply on the door. A young girl with brown hair answered the door. "Unh? Who are you?" she asked.

"Just a man of the Lord passing through town. Tell me, is this not the home of Ayumu Aikawa?"

"Ayumu? Yes, but how would a priest know Ayumu?" she asked, confused.

"I hate to intrude, but might I speak with him?" Kotomine asked, lightly smiling.

"Eh? I suppose so," she said, allowing the priest inside. They walked into the dining room where there was a small group seated around the table. "Oy, Ayumu, this guy wanted to talk to you."

As he entered the room, Kirei hid his shock as well as he hid every other emotion in his life. His eyebrow shifted as he noted a girl with black hair and green eyes that had just a hint of red at the center, the young man he was looking for, and a small girl with a notepad in front of her, with white hair, piercing blue eyes, gauntlets, and an armored chest plate.

"Eh? Another priest? What do you want with me?" Ayumu asked, looking carefully at Kirei.

"I just wanted to verify my suspicions about you, and the company you are in only solidifies it. A magus, a vampire, and some form of the dead. And exactly what you are escapes me," he noted as he looked at the quiet-looking girl in armor. "I am afraid I cannot allow this mockery of natural life to continue," he said, pulling six long blades out of his robes, three in each hand between his knuckles. He quickly launched them around the room. Each one hit no apparent target, merely burying themselves into the wall or floor.

"What a useless person. Next time you say something so utterly preposterous, be certain you have the skill required, you piece of filth," the black haired girl scorned.

"If you knew who my mentor was, you would know your arrogance is only comparable to that of a grade schooler, demon. I will send you back to Hell, where you belong."

As the green eyed vampire tried to pull her blade, she found herself unable to move.

"My aim is just fine. These are called Black Keys, tools we use to protect humanity against its enemies," Kirei said. He gestured at her shadow, where two of the blades were centered. "So long as that blade is there, your shadow may not move. This is somewhat more useful on whatever form of vampire you are then on a dead apostle who has no shadow, but I do not look a gift horse in the mouth."

The priest maintained his small smile as he drove a black key through her heart, and then separated her head from her shoulders.

"Sera!" the zombie and the young brunette both shouted. The white haired zombie boy started trembling, a mixture of rage and fear. The shaking stopped when Kirei planted a blade through him next, piercing his heart as well. After a moment of silence, the boy started shouting, "You think this is enough to kill me? It wouldn't matter if you tore me to pieces, I'll still stop you! Your little swords can't stop a zombie!"

"Oh? So that's what you are. Well, if your body cannot die, then I will simply destroy your spirit." Kotomine then impaled Ayumu's hands spread-eagled to the floor and his feet close together. He then laid two Black Keys in the shape of the cross over the boy's body. He put his hand to the boys head, and began chanting.

"Fourth Seal: Widespread Death on the Earth

When He opened the fourth seal

I heard the voice of the fourth living creature

Saying, 'Come and see.'

So I looked, and behold, a pale horse.

And the name of him who sat on it was Death

And Hades followed with him.

And power was given to them over a fourth of the earth,

To kill with sword, hunger, death, and by the beasts of the earth.

Amen."

When Kirei finished, a white flash appeared from both of Ayumu's eye sockets as the boy rose, then collapsed forever.

As Kirei finished his rite, he looked to the silent girl, who was now crying. As hers was the only shadow Kirei had left untouched, she had written on her notepad the question, "Why?"

"Surely it cannot be considered anything but right to allow the souls of the deceased to be put to rest," the priest said, as his smile grew. "Tell me, you are the one who kept his spirit in that body, correct?"

The girl nodded once.

"So, a necromancer. I cannot allow such a blasphemous person to continue harming the souls of the deceased," Kirei said, drawing six more blades in his knuckles.

Standing with now steely eyes, the girl looked into the eyes of the approaching priest, and quietly whispered the word, "Die." Shocked at the fact that he was unaffected, she didn't think to do anything else but stand there, confused.

"Hmm. It would appear your words hold some sway over reality as well. However, I died several years ago. The fallout of a corrupted Holy Grail does tend to slow down death quite a bit, I'm afraid," Kotomine said, fully grinning as he swiped his swords through the girl's petite neck.

He then dusted off his jacket and pulled out his cell phone. "Anderson. Get a vehicle here. Yes. Three bodies, two of the dead and a necromancer."

As he started to walk out the door, the only survivor looked at him through sobbing eyes. "Why? Why did you kill them? Why did you leave me? Why?"

Kirei looked at the brunette girl with his full smile. "You're simply a magus. I have no desire to draw the ire of the Mage's Association or whatever group you're affiliated with," the priest said as he walked to the door. Before he exited, he quietly whispered to her, "Besides, what's the point in killing if there's no one to suffer afterward?" He walked out the door with that same smile.


	2. Night of the Priest

**AN: **This chapter is a little different style, because I felt a strong enough parallel that I could essentially copy-paste dialogue from an old movie and replace characters. As such, this is more like a film script than a story. If you'd like to see the origins of this idea, look up the cellar scene of _Night of the Hunter _(which I do not own). I realize that this leaves out Father Anderson, but I'd just as soon get more ideas put in this collection. I'm not sure whether it would be better to read this first or watch that scene, but I'm thinking it would behoove you, reader, to watch watch?v=mhyy2KyMdys first. Enjoy, I suppose.

-Story Start-

(Kotomine, Rin, and Shirou are all seated at a dining table in the Kotomine church).

Kotomine: Well, there is mapo tofu, molten lava, communion wafers, and communion wine.

Rin: Can I choose to starve myself, please?

Kotomine: Naturally.

Rin: Can I have milk tea?

Kotomine: Mhmm. But first, we will have a little talk. About our secrets.

Rin: No.

Kotomine: And why not, pray tell?

Rin: Because Shirou put a gaes on me.

Kotomine: Oh, never mind what Emiya Shirou said. Emiya Shirou is a meddler. Now stop arguing . Look here. (Holds up a black key). Do you know what that is? (Rin nods head) Now watch (puts prana into the hilt, forming the blade). How about that? This is what I use on meddlers. Emiya Shirou might be a meddler. Ah! No, no. Oh, no, little Rin, do not touch it. Now do not touch my purifying tool, that makes me distraught. It makes me very, very distraught. Now, would you tell me… where's the Grail hidden?

Rin: But I swore I promised Shirou I wouldn't tell.

Kotomine: Emiya Shirou does not MATTER! Can I not get that through your head, you poor, silly, disgusting little wretch? …. There, now. You have caused me to lose my temper. I am sorry. I am truly sorry. Now just tell, where is it hidden, student?

Shirou: I'll tell.

Kotomine: I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut.

Shirou: It's not fair to make Rin tell when she is under a geas. I'll tell.

Kotomine: (evil grin) Well, I am surprised. Sometimes I think poor young Emiya might make it to heaven yet. Alright, Emiya Shirou, where's the Grail?

Shirou: In the cellar, buried under a stone in the floor.

Kotomine: I will not hesitate to kill you, if I find out you are lying, Emiya Shirou.

Shirou: I'm not lying. Go look for yourself.

Kotomine: Allllllright. Come along.

Shirou: What?

Kotomine: Go ahead of me- the both of you. Down those stairs. You do not recognize THESE, here, do you, Emiya Shirou? (pointing at the stairs)

Shirou: Well, don't you believe me?

Kotomine: Well, sure, Emiya Shirou, sure. And where, now? Beware, I will tolerate no further tricks. I will not abide a liar.

Shirou: Down there. (Points at the far end of the sepulcher where bodies providing the servant Gilgamesh with prana rot)

(When Kotomine takes a step, Shirou grabs Rin to run away, but Kotomine launches a black key in front of the exit)

Kotomine: Oh, no, you don't. Now where, Emiya Shirou, where?

Shirou: Under the stone on the floor.

Kotomine: This is concrete.

Rin: Shirou, just release the geas! Tell him!

Kotomine: (strangling Shirou) The lord is speaking directly to me now. He is saying, a liar is an abomination before mine eyes. Speak, Emiya Shirou, where is it hidden? Speak. Speak, or I will cut your throat and leave you to bleed out.

Shirou: Rin, shut up. Rin, he can't know!

Kotomine: Fine, then I'll kill her first. (walks menacingly toward her, and Shirou releases her from the geas).

Rin: Inside my sister, inside my sister!

Kotomine: The Matou! Haha, haha. Haha, why sure! Buhaha, last place anyone would think to look. Ahahahaha-

Shirou: (attacks Kotomine with Kanshou and Bakuya, freshly projected)

Kotomine: ughhh… (claws after Shirou and Rin as they escape.)


End file.
